Jokes

[ICE WANDERER]

You Know Your Not A kid Any More When...



You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawnmower.

Your best friend is dating someone half his age...and isn't breaking any laws.

You call Olan Mills before they call you.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9:00 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of you pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairer than your head.

You talk about "good grass", and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.

[ICE WANDERER]

Man VS. Woman


Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The Morning:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Money Management:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't.

Happiness:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.

Marriage Expectations:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Marriage Decisions:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

Marriage and the Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Memories:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry
her. A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

Understanding Women:
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
marriage and after marriage.

What a Woman Wants:
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy:
One is to let her think she is having her own way.
The other is to let her have it.

Longevity:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

Mistakes:
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people
remembering the same thing.

The Battle:
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

[ICE WANDERER]

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

[ICE WANDERER]

A guy meets a gal in a bar and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

[ICE WANDERER]

Stupid Laws In the United States


Nebraska
A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a
church service.

New Mexico
Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

New York
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically
prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking
"at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this
magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a
"pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside
for a stroll.

North Dakota
Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

Ohio
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

Oklahoma
Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by
the state.

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in
groups of three or more on private property.

Pennsylvania
A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust
under a rug in a dwelling.

No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

Texas
A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first
obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Vermont
Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each
week - on Saturday night.

Washington
All lollipops are banned.

A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal
intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he
is entering the town."

West Virginia
No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions

[ICE WANDERER]

Go Figure!


A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where
a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. GO FIGURE!
*
If Fedex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP
*
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool
came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
*
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
*
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.
*
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me--they
were cramming for their finals.
*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little
tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use.
Toothpicks?
*
Why do they put up pictures of criminals in the post office?
What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't
they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

[ICE WANDERER]

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby--so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, Bobby's eyes light up at that. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[ICE WANDERER]

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse, though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Randy strutted into the henhouse and set to work.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, my little buddy."

"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

[ICE WANDERER]

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $5000. Tux rental: $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

[ICE WANDERER]

Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.
Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.
Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"
Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

[ICE WANDERER]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

[ICE WANDERER]

what does Viagra and Disneyland have in common.??
they both make you stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride.

[ICE WANDERER]

[ICE WANDERER]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out onto the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"



"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

[ICE WANDERER]

"Why I'm divorced." Written by a woman. Enjoy!....

That morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband
would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a
small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss, Rick, said, 'Good
morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little
better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said,
'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what
do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He
chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'It's such a beautiful
day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came
out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband , my
kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'


And I just sat there....

on the couch....

naked.